What the Hell People

Listen up, all you Holier Than Thou Internet fucktards, Hell bent on blogging to me what's cool and why, with your self-proclaimed "expert" status... I'm callin' you out and I'm gonna kick your skinny little Indie asses if you don't start to shape up. You can all take your little blogs, your YouTube diatribes and your crappy webcomics about World of Warcraft and shove 'em up your tightened little sphincters. As a benefit to the stabilization of society, I'm offering some helpful advice to keep you from dying an angry mob-related death before you're 30...

You... Mr. Indie rock guy who buys only vinyl records and hates anything as soon as Jon Stewart uses it on his show... Suck it! We're all sick and tired of reading your blogs about how smart and cool you are, or how you claim you're a loner, but have 54,376 myspace friends. No one believes the whole circus show about being a nonconformist and how you don't care what everyone else thinks. Bullshit. Everyone cares what everyone else thinks. Its called human nature, fuckwad. Take off that shirt with some trendy little icon only you and your imaginary friend understand and get thee to a Starbucks. Buy a coffee, converse about the weather, bitch about gas prices, get married, buy a house and an iPod and pay bills like every other normal red-blooded American. Turn on the T.V. and watch 30 Rock and laugh. Succumb to the fact sometimes even prime time television is funny. Please just admit that while you like the Dandy Warhols, you really love Journey and Pink. Your fake alternative lifestyle is really fucking with our good time, so knock it off.

Hey there, Mr. webcomic guy... We're all very sorry the world of print hates you. Yes, the Internet is probably the future of comics, but stop running these little circle jerk cliques of your never-had-a-blow-job friends, blogging for hours about what's wrong with everything that's not online. You're exactly like the kid who throws the Monopoly board in the air because he never gets Boardwalk or Park Place. Did you ever stop to think the reason your stuff never got into print is because it sucks? The Internet is not an excuse, its a tool. Stop crying that every editor who rejected you is a shallow asshole and start working on your writing. And don't tell me I don't understand the webcomics community by claiming everyone online wants to be in print. Show me a webcartoonist who truly doesn't want to replace Garfield in the Sunday Times and I'll show you Charlie Brown kicking the football outta Lucy's hands. Don't think because you're some sort of cult hero in the Comic-con-attending nerd community, you have the right to piss on everyone else who's made it into print. You draw a virtual cartoon on your cute little pen pad that maybe 10 people living in their Mom's basement understand. Writing a comic about video games and computer code is all well and good, but don't try and claim your cartoon is better than anything in the paper. The reason those comics stay in the paper is because no one understands what the Hell YOUR comic is about. Like it or not, the majority of people reading the paper have no clue what the fuck a blood elf is. There is no webcomics vs. print debate. Its simply a bunch of talented cartoonists running off and hiding under the big Internet blanket because they're bitter about being rejected in print. And instead of working harder, everyone throws stones and claims "no fair!" Yeah well, life's unfair. Work harder and shut the fuck up.

It used to be that truly creative people worked hard to get ahead in their chosen industry. You busted your ass, got rejected and then worked harder and got rejected again. But you kept going. You didn't feel sorry for yourself, or blame the critics, you simply worked harder to improve your work. Stop blogging about why life is unfair while hoping a TV, syndicate or movie contract gets handed to you on account of your getting 10,000 hits a day on your blog.

Don't be mistaken. I want you all to succeed. I want better shows, comedy and comics. What I don't want is a bunch of cry asses that give up by hiding behind the Internet. Success in this business, unfortunately is also about compromise. If you don't want to accept that, fine. But don't publicly bitch about those who gained higher success because they chose to compromise.

This needs to stop and we all need to get back to work.

Let's all have an over-priced coffee at Starbucks and count how many "Anonymous" Comments this post has.

Bring it on.