"I have to blog about this..."

Used to be, things just happened to me. Mundane, funny or tragic, they happened, folks reacted and life moved forward. With the advent of this here insane asylum we call the Interweb, however, I now have this overwhelming pressure to share what happens to me every second of everyday with "my fans". Do I feel the adoring public really needs to know? Or is it that I fear I may suddenly be forgotten for some 18 year-old's YouTube video log about how he once stole Lindsey Lohan's underwear from a Midtown cab?

Either way, my head hurts... And here I am, blogging about why I feel I need to blog. Bleh. Blog. Blog bleh.

I chipped my tooth this past weekend. There's something everyone doesn't need to hear. You all probably assume I was at the beach, exercising my full Fake Rockstarness by improvising a bottle opener via my teeth, for some over-tanned hot chick with huge cones. You'd be wrong. I was actually sitting in my in-law's living room, watching my nephew eat his own fist, when I started biting my nails (A nervous habit I picked up because of a constant urge to make people laugh, BTW). As I bit my thumb nail, I looked down and found a large piece of mouth bone on my nail. Feeling around with my tongue, I confirmed my fear. I then went a step further to inspect in the bathroom mirror:


Glorious. My teeth are pretty crooked to begin with, so this new divot just cements my place in that sub-lower lower class, where you marry the family pig and find new ways to sell sugar and boogers at the Tuesday flee market. Forget the fact that I was able to chip BONE with my thumb nail. I'm sure there is some sort of bodily emergency involving a calcium deficiency and a brittle skeleton that I'll ignore, until I break my hip on a grocery store marshmallow display.

And there you have it. Information that 15 years ago, would have been reserved for friends and the family swine, brought to you by a nearly insane amateur comedy writer and apparent newly-crowned redneck.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to buy some three part epoxy... And sugar.