Things to do with bacon when you're in the remote Adirondack Mountains without cable

Drink 16 beers and throw raw bacon against the wall to see if it sticks. Repeat until dawn.

Strip naked, slap raw bacon to your face and make a fire in the middle of the living room. Chant whenever you here a snowmobile.

Cook three pounds of bacon, build a snow store front at the end of the road. Collect mad cash.

Use a black magic marker to scrawl "Kevin" across bacon packaging. Proceed to crack yourself up for three hours by exclaiming "I'm one degree form Kevin's Bacon!"

Remove bacon from package, cook it. Eat it.

Prank call your Dad all evening asking him if he has Prince Albert in a can. Reward yourself with a B.L.T., holding the L and the T.

Get drunk, sob at the test pattern on the TV and slather raw bacon all over the screen while repeating, "Seasoned pork peace to all the world..."

Remove bacon from package. Cook it. Feed it to neighbor's dog. Eat neighbor's dog.

Love the bacon, caress the bacon, and marry the bacon in a civil ceremony performed by an online Shaman with birch bark lamps as witnesses.